So after much back and forth by Catie deciding whether or not to move back in Eureka, she said that she decided she will continue living with me. But we're going to spend some time apart first. That is, over winter break she'll be staying in Eureka and I'll be here in Watsonville most of the time. I was quite certain that this is what I wanted, and still think that this is what I wanted, but since we have been apart I have felt so much doubt that things will work out. We've only been in phone contact since she decided to stay. In fact, when I last saw her, her plan was to just move back forever. Our phone conversations have been very brief, and without any lovey-dovey shit. And this morning she used the word "if" when talking about coming back. Personally, I haven't been acting or feeling all so hot since then. I've been getting drunk earlier in the day than is really healthy, though not completely sloshed at any time. I also haven't done anywork since I've been out of school, and I had really planned to do at least a little. I'm really unsure if this doubtful/depressed feeling is because of my still uncertain relationship with Catie or my resistance to getting research done, or if both of those are because of something deeper (like a chemical depression). I've been taking St. John's wort and vitamin supplements for a few weeks now, and it's been pretty effective for the most part. In some sense, I really feel like I have been stuck in this unpleasant, unmotivated state. I want so much to just be happy and optimistic. Maybe I should up my St John's dosage. Or maybe I should just stop drinking every day. Or maybe stop drinking completely. I feel like I've got such a handle on the pot, why does my drinking make me so uncomfortable??
